How I’m Teaching My Boys to Take Responsibility at Home

With four boys, there is never a shortage of things to clean up.

For a long time, it was honestly easier to just do it myself. I could pick up the toys faster. I could clean up the mess without stopping to explain what needed to happen. I could get everyone out the door without waiting for four little people to do their part.

I’ve realized, though, that “faster” isn’t always better.

I don’t want my boys growing up thinking Mom takes care of everything. I want helping around the house to feel normal to them, so we’re starting while they’re little.

It starts with their own mess 

I’m not giving my boys a long list of chores right now. A lot of it is pretty simple. If they get out a bunch of toys, they help put them away. If they make a mess, they help clean it up. If they leave something somewhere it doesn’t belong, I ask them to put it back.

Sometimes I have to remind them, or I have to stand there and help. That’s fine because they’re learning. I’m okay with them not doing it perfectly. This one has taken some work for me.

There are plenty of things my boys can do that I could do faster and better myself. That’s especially true when we’re trying to get somewhere or get something done.

If I always step in because they aren’t doing it the way I would, I’m not really giving them a chance to learn.

I’m trying to remember that the point isn’t a perfectly cleaned room. The point is that they are learning to take responsibility for the things they use and the messes they make.

I don’t care if it’s a “boy” chore

I don’t want my boys growing up thinking there are certain things around the house that are automatically someone else’s responsibility.

Cleaning isn’t a girl thing.

Cooking isn’t a girl thing.

Laundry isn’t a girl thing.

Taking care of a home isn’t a girl thing.

They’re just things you need to know how to do when you live in a home.

My boys are still young, so they’re obviously not doing all of these things on their own. I’m thinking about the kind of adults I want them to become and giving them a place to start.

I’m trying to teach them to notice

This is the part I’m probably most intentional about. I don’t want the only way my boys know how to help to be when I tell them exactly what to do.

They’re still learning, so right now I might have to say, “Look around. What needs to be picked up?” or “You made that mess. What can you do about it?”

Eventually, I want them to start noticing those things on their own. If the trash is full, they should know that someone needs to take it out. If they make a mess, they should know it needs to be cleaned up. If someone needs help, I want them to recognize that they can step in.

That kind of awareness takes time. I’m not expecting it from a three year old tomorrow morning, but I do want to start building the habit now.

Sometimes I still just do it myself

I’m not going to pretend every mess turns into a beautiful teaching moment. Some days we’re late, everyone is tired, or I just want the toys picked up and don’t have the energy to argue about it. Those days happen.

Teaching my boys to help doesn’t mean I have to turn every single task into a lesson. It just means I’m trying not to make doing everything for them the default. 

What I’m really trying to teach them

More than anything, I want my boys to know that they are capable of taking care of themselves.

I want them to grow up knowing how to run a home because they have actually participated in one.

I don’t want them to leave my house and expect someone else to notice the dirty dishes, wash their clothes, pick up their mess, or figure out what needs to happen next.

That starts with little things when they’re young. Right now, that might just mean picking up the toys they dumped all over the living room. It might not seem like much. I’m hoping that one day it won’t even occur to them that Mom should be the one doing it.

That’s the goal.